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Returning to school after lockdown
Catherine Nabbs • 29 May 2020
Supporting your child and yourself as you navigate the next phase
Lockdown is easing, schools are starting to open up to more pupils… a cause for celebration! Or is it? We have spent the last ten weeks being told that staying at home, being away from other people is best for them and us, it would be impossible to manage a total mindset shift in the matter of a couple of days.
It’s important that we give ourselves time, reflective space and compassion as we negotiate the next phase. In this post I’m looking specifically at issues raised by the initial year groups returning to school on Monday, but in time this will become relevant for all of us.
Practical ways to support your child
Both you and your child might have some quite complex feelings about returning to school. It’s not too late to do some practical things this weekend that will be a way of helping your child prepare for their return to school:
- Show pictures: if your school has sent through photos or videos of their new school or classroom set up, it can be helpful to share these with your child so that they know what to expect. If you haven’t been sent anything, you might be able to request a photo of the classroom, or show pictures from other settings that will illustrate the kind of changes you’re anticipating. This will remove the element of surprise, and also give your child the opportunity to ask questions.
- Establish a routine: If you’re anything like me, morning and bedtime routines have become a bit more flexible over the past couple of months. Use the next few days to gently re-establish a healthy routine that works for your family. Going back to school tired won’t help anyone. This goes for you too - if you know you struggle to get going in the mornings, try and establish a routine for yourself - the last thing you want to be doing is rushing around and feeling even more stressed on their first day back.
- Build on practical skills: whether this is tying shoelaces, doing up buttons or expert hand washing, skill mastery can give a child confidence and boost their resilience, it also gives them something they might be excited about to share with their class or teacher when they return.
- Give your child opportunities to re-connect with their classmates both 1-1 and in groups - whether this is over the phone or on zoom or FaceTime - this will help them to remember and re-establish bonds that they normally rely on when they are away from you that may have dropped off during the past couple of months.
- Put together a photo book or montage of things they might like to share with their teacher about what they’ve been doing while they’ve been at home. This again can give them something they are excited to share, as well as valuable time processing what the past couple of months have been like for them.
Ways to support your child emotionally
- Help your child to name emotions and where they might feel them in the body. For example, I had to do something new the other day, so I told the boys I was feeling nervous and that I had a wobbly feeling in my tummy. Use your own experiences to normalise and validate their feelings
- Ask how your child is feeling about going back to school - this may sound obvious, but sometimes as parents we can be reluctant to raise an issue in case we put ideas into our children’s heads. Rest assured that it is better for your child to have the opportunity to talk about how they are feeling so that you can reassure them, put them straight about what they might be expecting or empathise, than it is to avoid a discussion about their feelings
- Acknowledge that feelings might be very mixed, and that this is normal. They may be excited to see their friends, but sad not to be spending time with you all day. They may be anxious about being behind in class, but looking forward to finishing off projects they started before schools closed. Children have a tendency to display “black & white” thinking - you can help them to accept that there are grey areas, again by drawing on your own experience of when you might have had mixed feelings about doing something yourself.
- Don’t be surprised if your child starts to have physical displays of anxiety, such as disturbed sleep, tantrums or aches and pains in their body, or if they seem to need more attention or become “clingy” - remember that we have all been hyper vigilant recently about leaving the house and focusing on staying safe, and suddenly we are sending our children out of their safe bubble and back into the world. This may activate their flight or flight response, so practicing some breathing exercises and spending extra time together at bedtime or maybe some quiet reading time will let your child know that you are there for them and are taking their concerns seriously.
- Your child may suffer social anxiety - after all, it’s been a while since they have been in a group of children. It is worth spending this weekend on some resilience and confidence boosting strategies such as positivity spinners or an identity frames (you can read more about these and other resilience strategies in my blog
from a few weeks back)
Caring for yourself
in times of change
for many parents, the thought of their children going back to school will be greeted with a mix of relief and terror in equal measure. There is the fear of the unknown such as how will the system actually work, how will your child respond, combined with relief that they are being educated by teachers again or that this heralds a sign that things might get back to some semblance of “normal”.
There might be guilt that you are looking forward to less home-schooling and time to yourself, combined with sorrow for an end of this time together.
There may be joy that your children get to be with their friends again, combined with grief about all the time they’ve missed.
Just know that all of this is so, so normal. Everything about this situation is unprecedented - so please allow yourself to feel your mixed bag of emotions without shame, or guilt… you might be excited and optimistic one moment, and sad and angry the next. Here are some things you can do to look after yourself at this time:
- Allow and name your feelings - you might like to try writing a journal or calling a good friend you know you can vent at.
- We can feel overwhelmed and anxious when we look too far ahead, if you notice this happening, try some breathing exercises or a short meditation.
- Try to limit your media consumption. Choose a trusted new source to stay up to date with any developments, but try to avoid excessive news updates or scrolling through social media.
- As I mentioned above, try to set up a regular bedtime routine. A soothing night time ritual can be a mindful way to end the day and promote a good night’s sleep, which boosts our own resilience and ability to respond empathically when our children are stressed.
- And pay attention to the mornings as well - start the day intentionally - whether it’s yoga, meditation, stretching or journaling, this can make a huge difference to your ability to cope for the rest of the day (see my IGTV video on Instagram
from Wednesday 27th May for some more of my thoughts on establishing a morning routine).
Helping our children to develop their emotional vocabulary, become aware of their feelings and express them safely and confidently, starts with us being able to do that ourselves, so if you need to reframe it in a way that gives you permission to take care of yourself, I would encourage you to see any time you spend on yourself as also an investment in your children’s wellbeing.
What if your children are NOT returning to school just yet
There is still a lot of uncertainty that comes with other school years returning before the summer break. At some point everything I have talked about will become relevant for all age groups, but I sense that there is a grief process that much of us will go through before and after that happens.
While grief is normally linked to a bereavement, it’s important to realise that it is very normal to grieve for anything that has been lost – in this case there have been so many losses: birthdays that couldn’t be celebrated with friends and family, friendships put on hold, relationships with trusted teachers disrupted, anticipated holidays and events cancelled, learning opportunities taken away … and of course there have been upsides, but it is important that in order to fully appreciate the gains, we allow ourselves to grieve for the losses that we have felt as individuals, families and communities. As well as thinking about the tips above, here are some additional ways that you can support yourself through this process:
- Recognise that your feelings will not be linear. I saw a great image the other day with a “coronacoaster” – a great way to describe the ups and downs of our feelings at the moment. If you are feeling low, try to allow that feeling rather than automatically trying to replace it with a positive – you can’t make a feeling worse by noticing it, and by pushing it away, it may resurface in another way.
- Repeat this mantra to yourself “my feelings are valid”… not everybody will be feeling the same way at the same time. You don’t need to compare your process or stage with anyone else’s.
- There is no time limit or comparison chart where grief is concerned… try to avoid thinking you should be “over it” or saying “other people have it worse”. In fact, make it your goal to try and remove “should” from your inner dialogue completely!
- Adopt the idea of “good enough’… this is so powerful for building up your self-compassion muscle. Perfection is impossible, but we can all achieve good enough and this can be surprisingly reassuring and liberating.
- Sometimes you might not know what you’re feeling, and that’s normal too! If you experience this, try and get back into your body and see what it is that you need to support yourself in that moment – maybe a glass of water, feeling your bare feet on the ground, a stretch or a lie down. Give yourself permission to nurture yourself through this experience.
Supporting siblings who are returning at different times
The situation becomes more difficult when one child is returning and the other isn’t. You may need to deal with some complex and conflicting emotions between your children. All of the strategies above will help you to navigate communicating with you children, but here are some additional ways to support siblings who are returning at different stages:
There may be a sense that this is “unfair” from both of them – while one might like the opportunity to go back to school and see their friends, the other might feel resentful that their sibling has additional time at home.
Your children may feel anxious about being parted – 10 weeks at home together is a long time, and they will have established a way of being together that they both might find very difficult when that comes to an end
Listen to and validate those feelings; you can’t fix this situation, but you can show that you understand. Ask if they have any ideas as to what would make this easier for them, but also have some ideas up your sleeve such as:
- Additional zoom time with friends for the child not going to school, or even now a socially distanced walk or for older children a chat in the garden might be possible.
- More 1:1 special time with your child who is going back to school – maybe a walk just the two of you if that’s possible, or extra time together at bedtime – chatting, reading, or doing something together like a jigsaw.
- Create a gratitude list or tree (see my blog for more ideas) about the things they have enjoyed during this time together – try to continue adding to it when one of them is back at school – this will help them to see not only that the things they are grateful for still exist, but also allow them to recognise that even though change can be uncomfortable there new things to be grateful for.
- If your children are going to miss each other, perhaps they could write a card or do a drawing for each other – helping them to express the way they feel about each other creatively could help to strengthen their relationship even more.
- Make a list of things you would like to do when you are all together so that they both have something to look forward to when you spend time as a family. Keep this list as something you can keep adding to. This might be things like a movie night, a BBQ, driving slightly further afield for a walk or ordering your favourite takeaway.
I hope this has given you some ideas of how to navigate the next stage confidently as a family.
Please do get in contact if you have any comments or queries about this, and of course I am here in a variety of ways to offer support should you need it.
Please follow the links below for further information:
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(30min & 50min sessions available)
As I write this, I’ve picked up the boys early from school as it closed sooner than usual because of the heatwave (having had to rearrange my working day at the last minute), we’ve just had an email from school to say pick up for the last day of term tomorrow will be even earlier than today, and we don’t yet know the revised arrangements for the year 6 party that was due to take place at the end of their last day at primary school tomorrow (which means I will need to rearrange more clients, but don’t yet have all the information I need to do this...). This is just the last twenty-four hours, and comes on top of the usual end of term chaos, additional end of term shenanigans that come with having a child in year 6, multiple transition arrangements and appointments for his new secondary school and planning childcare and work for the upcoming summer break. There are many balls in the air and I’m conscious I’m on high alert… I know I’m far from being the only one!! Here are some of my favourite techniques for calming stress and anxiety as it arises. I’d love to know if you try any of these and which are your favourites.* 1. Breathe What? I know I’m always talking about breathwork, but there’s a reason for that – it works!! It’s totally no frills, but the simplest technique is to breathe in fully and then breathe out with an extended exhale. Why? An extended out-breath soothes the parasympathetic nervous system and calms the fight of flight response, enabling you to bring your rational brain back on-line and hopefully engage in some self-compassion. 2. Put your hand to your heart and name what’s happening for you What? In moments of anxiety place your hand to your chest with kindness and name out loud what is happening – this might be “I feel anxious”, “I feel triggered”, “I feel worried”…. Why? Physical connection through touch is soothing and helps to regulate the nervous system. Speaking out loud engages the medial prefrontal cortex which exerts a top down control over the amygdala, enabling you to calm the stress response, while also acknowledging the source of anxiety and allowing you to respond to what you need in that moment. 3. Change your perspective (temporal or physical) What? Physical: Step outside and look to the horizon. Temporal: Consider what is happening to you right now that is causing anxiety or stress and imagine looking back at it from a point in time in the future. Why? Studies have shown that shifting into panoramic vision soothes your autonomic nervous system (you can replicate the calming effect on the brain of looking at a horizon and the body even when you’re inside by dilating your gaze so you can see more of the space around you). Panoramic vision helps to modulate the stress and anxiety that comes of being mainly locked in focal vision (for example, using a screen, reading a book, looking for something specific in a crowded space). Temporal distancing , ie. Mentally time travelling to a point in the future helps us to disentangle ourselves from the emotional intensity of what is happening in a specific moment or around a specific event and helps to regulate emotion. 4. Release energy What? Fast walking, jumping, skipping, punch a pillow…. This is particularly effective if your anxiety presents as anger or frustration. Why? Anxiety can cause a build-up of adrenaline which is most easily released through movement. Movement also encourages you to engage with your senses and brings you into the present moment (see number five for more on this!) 5. Use your senses What? You can use your senses to connect with yourself physically & with your environment by using the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique. Notice: 5 things you can see; 4 things you can feel; 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. Why? Bringing your attention to the moment and your environment stops you ruminating on the past or worrying about the future (the two main causes of anxiety); by focussing on the present you feel more anchored and grounded and able to attend to the source of stress without feeling overwhelmed. I hope this has been reassuring, if any of this resonates, do have a quick read of some of my other blog posts that you might find helpful: How to support yourself emotionally if you can't access counselling My emotional well-being course What does happiness mean to you? If you would like to be more focussed on how to spot where and why anxiety shows up for you, you may be interested in exploring my Emotional Well-being Course As ever, do get in touch if you have any questions or comments. *by the time I’m posting this, it’s almost a week later, and all of the things that felt so stressful in the moment have passed… exactly as I imagined it would when I engaged in temporal distancing and imagined this point in the future... give it a go!
Happiness, joy, contentment – they’re such broad, subjective concepts aren’t they? I’m not talking here about just those “hero” moments – life events or planned celebrations centred around joy, but more the smaller, quieter times that provoke a sigh of contentment, a luxurious stretch or an involuntary gentle smile. The cumulative effect of these moments brings an over-arching sensation of happiness. It does not mean of course that there aren’t hard moments, difficulties and sadness, and just to be clear, I am certainly not advocating a denial of these feelings, but the happy times can provide a buffer against the inevitable curve balls life throws at us. Part of my work as a counsellor is helping clients shift their perspective on the lives they are already leading. When we are anxious, tense and overwhelmed our in-built negativity bias goes into over drive, encouraging us to only pay attention to the things that have gone wrong in the past and may go wrong in the future. Soothing our threat system allows us to view this bias with compassion, thank our brain for trying to keep us safe and invite it to stand down! At this point we can start to think about what makes us happy and be more intentional about noticing these moments and actively engaging in activities that bring more of that feeling into our day to day. Some ways to soothe your threat system are*: • Mindfulness • Breathing exercises • Visualisations • Mantras and affirmations • Time in nature • Connection with a loved one *(I go into more detail about these in previous posts and in my free wellbeing week - I will put the relevant links at the end) This comes with a hefty dose of realism – life can be tough in many, many ways and I’m not suggesting that by doing these things we will all suddenly be constantly bouncing along in bubbles of joy, but we also don’t need to make life harder for ourselves than it already is! So what are the moments that make you happy? Here are some of mine: • Cuddles with my children • Noticing the flowers in my garden (the peonies and roses have been amazing this year) • Drinking hot chocolate • Sitting down with a new book or magazine • A long chat with a friend • Completing a task I’d really encourage you to make your own list – even writing these few things down has made me smile. Once you realise how many things there are in a single day that have the potential to lift your mood it allows you to capture those moments. If you are unable to find anything for your list at the moment, it may be that you would benefit from more focussed time, whether with a counsellor, trusted friend or family member to talk through your concerns and barriers. When we are in a depressed state it is almost impossible to write a list like my one above, but it can be kept in mind as an end goal. If you feel like you suffer from persistent low mood do seek help. Once you are able to find a safe place to shine a light on your inner world, you can begin to notice subtle shifts in energy and engagement with the world around you. Sometimes clients come to me having reached rock bottom - wanting to experience happiness, joy and contentment in their lives again but are currently feeling stuck and anxious. Beyond an exploration of what these concepts mean to them, is also a recognition that there are many, many steps on the ladder between rock bottom and their idea of happiness… every shift in energy, perspective and emotion needs to be recognised and celebrated to keep that momentum in a process that is certainly not overnight or linear. Even emotions that might typically be considered “undesirable” can be compassionately viewed as a step upwards. For example a shift from apathy to envy signifies a capacity to engage with the world; a shift from despair to anger allows for the possibility to explore deeper emotions…. developing the ability to take this view can help you to become more accepting of the spectrum of emotions you may feel and enable you to be curious about the root cause. The presence and support of a compassionate listener can facilitate this process, but if you are not in a position to invest in counselling at the moment and would like some help in building this awareness around your emotions and putting together a wellness toolkit to support you in the process, you may be interested in my emotional wellbeing course - it costs just £35 and is packed with information, exercises and inspiration (you can find out more about it here ). Alternatively, you may just want a little nudge to focus more on becoming more mindful around your daily well-being strategies, in which case please do sign up for my free wellbeing week for 7 days of inspiration delivered straight to your inbox. If you would like to find out more about the strategies mentioned in this post regarding activating your soothing system, you may enjoy reading the following posts which contain more detail on: Mindfulness Breathing Connecting with others
Out of the blue the other week I had an anxiety attack. It felt like a punch in the stomach as I felt light headed and struggled to breath. It took all of my professional training and self-awareness to bring myself back to the moment, soothe and reassure myself that I was not in danger. What caused this? A text message from a friend about an after school club that I knew nothing about. Sounds totally innocent I know, but in that moment I was flooded with fear (had I not checked my emails properly?), panic (I’m going to have to start organising my evenings around activities again!) and guilt (I’m not on top of all of this and I’ve let my children down). It was a wake-up call that I’m going to have to bring to bear all of my strategies around self-compassion, intentional living, and anxiety management during this next period of our collective journey. I know I’m not alone; so many of my conversations with friends and clients over the past month or so have been around this topic of holding joy and excitement alongside dread and trepidation. Happiness about seeing more of friends and family, but also not wanting to see people too much… Joy about the thought of group gatherings, but mixed with a touch of social anxiety and a lack of confidence…. Excitement that children can start participating in after school clubs mingled with dread at the increased admin and organisation this brings with it (you will have gathered this is my personal concern!). So how do we go about holding these conflicting feelings? How can we get back to “normal” without sacrificing the aspects of our life that we have developed over the past year that feel like things we might want to hold onto? Here are some suggestions: 1. Try not to do too much at once . Pace yourself - socialising is likely to be tiring! we’re out of practice at making arrangements, conversing and being around other people for any length of time. Try to pause before accepting invitations, however tempting it is to rush in and make up for lost time; consider the overall balance in your week before committing to something. 2. Be intentional about the activities you re-commit to and really question your motivation. To make deliberate choices you will need to be honest about your insecurities and challenge them if you feel they may be rooted in an outdated narrative. 3. Have honest family conversations about what you would all really LIKE to do and why – consider long term benefits, life skills, quality time with friends and family and allow yourself to prioritise – you might not need to do everything all at once. 4. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Many of us remain exhausted from the past year, finances may be limited, and some childcare options are still not available. Give yourself permission to consider your position, your instincts and your emotions with compassion. 5. Put in place strategies to support your wellbeing and resilience as we move forward. What do you need to prioritise? For me it’s sleep, regular exercise and time and space to journal, meditate or read. Decide what your non-negotiables are and build them into your life as you would any other commitment. I hope this has been reassuring, if any of these resonates you might find it helpful to have a quick read of some of my other blog posts: How to support yourself emotionally if you can't access counselling Helping children with big emotions Resilience and self-esteem strategies for families If you would like to get support and strategies as you consider a way forward - based in self-awareness and compassion and that feels more aligned with your values, you might be interested in my Emotional Well-being Course . As ever, do get in touch if you have any questions or comments, and remember to follow me on social media for regular bitesized well-being inspiration!
Over the past year I’ve noticed a significant increase in interest in emotional and mental well-being theories, techniques and strategies. I think living with a global pandemic and the intensity of emotional pressure that entails, has made us all aware of how precious our well-being is – both physical and emotional. Many people are now aware that their mental health is perhaps more fragile than they have previously realised and it’s not always clear what to do about this. Largely in response to this need and an increased demand for counselling services, I have developed an emotional well-being course . I wanted to create something that people can use to learn more about their own mental health and develop a toolkit to support themselves emotionally. I’m aware that there are many, many great books, magazines, social media accounts, blog posts and podcasts that offer valuable information and guidance, but it can take a lot of time to read through everything, and there can be a bewildering and overwhelming amount of information. I have used my experience as a professional counsellor to create a programme that simplifies the process, and removes the “research well-being ideas” item from your to do list! My emotional well-being course takes you through the stages of a counselling process, from goal setting and making links with unhelpful or outdated behaviour patterns, to challenging your inner critic, building up self-compassion and ultimately putting together strategies that will support you emotionally moving forward. I don’t believe that any course can replace in-person therapy, but I do know that many people can’t afford it, don’t have the time, or are unsure whether they are quite “in that place” yet. This course costs less than one counselling session, consists of 4 self-paced modules, and is the perfect foundation for your journey to increased self-awareness and emotional wellbeing. Here is a quick breakdown of what to expect in each module: Module 1 In the first module we will be looking at practical ways you can support yourself through this process and what you’d like to get from it. Module 2 In the second module I invite you to look back at your childhood and recognise ways of being that are rooted in patterns established in childhood that are no longer helpful to you. Module 3 In module three you’ll be catching your inner critic, noticing those moment when you treat yourself with less compassion than you would like. Module 4 In the final module you’ll be considering ways of supporting yourself in the transformations you would like to make going forward and putting together an emotional wellbeing toolkit. Throughout the course I’ll be introducing concepts and inviting you to complete tasks which will increase your understanding of where your thoughts and feelings come from, but alongside that I’ll be sharing techniques and strategies that you can easily incorporate into your daily life to support your emotional well-being in a way that feels right for you. I’ve put together a list of FAQs , but if you do have any questions that are not on the list please feel free to drop me an email or a message on social media. Click To Paste Click To Paste Click To Paste Click To Paste Click To Paste Click To Paste Click To Paste
I strongly believe that mental health support services should be as accessible as possible, but I’m also aware that with increased pressure on free therapeutic services and rising unemployment there is simultaneously a greater demand for counselling and fewer people who can afford the private route. Even if it’s not a matter of finances, with households spending more time together working from home, it may be hard to find a regular time to commit to counselling away from other family members or when access to childcare is limited. You may also be feeling the effects of the loss, trauma and constant change during this year, but not really know if you’re in a place where you feel “bad enough” to access counselling (that’s a whole other blog post, but I’ll leave that there for now...!) Here are t he five top ways that I encourage my clients to explore to suppor t themselves outside of our sessions, and ways that I continue to support myself emotionally: 1. Journaling Labelling emotions and acknowledging traumatic events is a cornerstone of the counselling process. Alongside these benefits, journaling can help to organise thoughts, make sense of trauma and lighten the mental load. There’s no right or wrong way to journal – you might like to set aside a regular time – daily, weekly or monthly or just use it to make sense of a situation when you feel the need. Similarly there is no prescription when it comes to what to write (or indeed whether to hand write, type or even speak) – let your thoughts flow and see what happens. 2. Meditation This can feel like one thing too many when you are already feeling overwhelmed, but even e few moments of stillness can send a signal to the brain that you are worth taking care of. 3. Movement I could go on and on and on about the benefits of all sorts of movement. But whatever you prefer doing – running, stretching, walking, yoga, online workouts or gardening, there is nothing quite like moving your body in some way to lift your mood and energy levels. When you are feeling low I know this feels like the very last thing you want to do, but if you manage to summon the energy to start I promise it will be worth it. 4. Gratitude It can be hard to feel grateful when life is quite frankly rubbish sometimes, but alongside the critical importance of acknowledging difficult emotions is the awareness of counter balancing them with more positive observations. This can help to temper our inbuilt negativity bias and lead to a more optimistic take on life . A gratitude practice is one of the easiest ways to do this. By intentionally focussing daily on things we are grateful for, our brains get a hit of dopamine and strengthen the neural pathways to create a more positive and grateful outlook . 5. Routine and rituals Routine and rituals can help us feel grounded and reassured in uncertain times. Whether it’s starting or ending your day in the same way, using scent or movement to evoke an emotion or sensation – moments that anchor us in the hear and now can be supportive when life is at its most challenging. Consider what you already do – you may be surprised at how many rituals you already incorporate into your day to day. See if you can find a way to intentionally develop them and elevate them into an emotionally supportive practice. It can be easy to get stuck in routines as well, so it’s important to regularly assess whether the structure to your day is still working for you – life events, priorities and seasons all change, so it makes sense that our needs will change too. I know some of you will be rolling your eyes at this point and thinking “how on earth am I going to fit this in” or “I’ve tried all of these but can’t stick to them”.... ...I get it! My suggestion is to start small, really really small and piggy back it to another habit… set yourself up to succeed and then build up from there. Here are some examples: Instead of setting aside half an hour with the intention of writing pages and pages each day, grab a block of post it notes and each morning with your cup of tea write one word that comes to mind that feels significant. Instead of planning to do a daily 10 minute meditation, commit to doing 2 mindful breaths with your hand on your heart or your tummy before you clean your teeth. Instead of trying to schedule in hours of exercise each week, try practicing a yoga pose, doing some star jumps or a couple of press ups while your shower warms up. Instead of buying a special notebook and allocating a time to start a gratitude practice, take it in turns at the dinner table to each think of something you are grateful for, or if you live alone speak it out loud while you dish up a meal. Instead of sticking rigidly to routines that you feel you “should” do or that you’ve heard are a good idea from other people, give yourself permission to experiment and adjust to what suits you and your unique situation. You will gravitate towards some of these more than others, and may find that as you try them and develop them in a way that feels supportive you, you either regularly practice one or two, or use them all as a foundation for a mental health toolkit. I really hope this has given you some ideas for feeling more confident about taking control of your emotional well-being. If you would like more guidance and further support you might like to consider my self-paced emotional well-being course which I will be launching shortly – it costs less than one counselling session and guides you through your own journey of self-awareness and transformation. Sign up to my newsletter for more information and a special offer when it launches (making it even more cost effective!). As ever, if you have any questions or comments do get in touch via email , Instagram or Facebook .
My boys, like many children, will be returning to school in September for the first time in over 5 months. And I, like many parents, am feeling a wide range of responses to this. On the one hand, I’m looking forward to knowing that they are once more experiencing life and receiving an education alongside their peers; and I am looking forward to having time and space for my own pursuits, without the inevitable interruptions and demands that are part and parcel of sharing life with a 7 and 9 year old. On the other hand, I'm feeling a sadness that this time with them, with its ups and downs and rollercoaster of emotions will be coming to an end. While I cherish the idea of peace, I know the reality of a quiet house will be an adjustment, just as I anticipate being surrounded by a crowd will be an adjustment for them. There are no absolutes and no certainties in this next period of change, which is unsettling. So, while I am trying to hold my own paradoxical emotions, how can I best support my children as they prepare for this next phase, and experience their own conflicting feelings? I’m going to run through my approach, in the hope that it can support other families facing a similar situation. 1. I’m going to share my feelings with them and model that it’s OK to feel sadness and joy at the same time I will talk to them about how I am feeling about the start of term, and in this way help them to develop a vocabulary for their own emotions. I will draw on my experience of starting new things and talk about where in the body I might sense an emotion. In this way they can continue making connections between their physical sensations and their emotions so that they can put in practice the mindfulness techniques that we have explored together.* 2. I will get us all into a routine over the next couple of weeks that supports their physical and mental health for a school day I know that my children are better able to cope emotionally if they are well rested physically. During the past month, especially during the hot weather, bedtimes have become a bit later. This didn’t matter when we’ve had the luxury of lazy mornings and opportunities for rest in the day, but come September, mornings will be anything but lazy and days will be far from restful, and now is the time to prepare for that. 3. I am talking about school and allowing space for the feelings they have around that Now that we know a bit more about how the start and end of the day will be organised, I’m discussing this and talking through the practicalities. And while we’re looking through uniform and buying school shoes, this gives them the opportunity to get used to the idea that school really will be starting, and to talk about all aspects of what they are expecting and their feelings around that. 4. I am making sure I spend extra time on my own with each of them I believe that connection is the key to the majority of parenting challenges. Letting them know they matter, that you want to spend time with them and that their feelings are valid, is the biggest investment a parent can make in their child’s mental well-being. This isn’t always easy, and we’ve kind of taken for granted this time all together. Now is the time to re-establish those individual connections. Similarly, I am making sure I take care of myself… - I know that regular exercise and early nights suit me as well as the boys! - I have intentionally stepped back from work for the next couple of weeks so that I can focus on having special time with the boys without feeling conflicted in my commitments. - I am allowing my feelings, as uncomfortable as they sometimes are – my grief process for the end of this phase, as well as my eager anticipation of it. I know that if I allow, and stay with my sadness in the moment it will not overwhelm me. Whereas I know that if I push away feelings that are difficult for me to sit with, then they are likely to come out in ways that are more damaging (for example, irrational irritability with those closest to me, or numbing with Netflix - leading to an unhelpful cycle of late nights and bleary mornings). Taking care of myself in this way gives me the best chance of being able to support them over the coming weeks. As ever I encourage you to be kind to yourself - just as the start of lockdown threw us all into an unprecedented situation, emerging further from it and adapting to this version of normality also comes with significant practical and emotional challenges. View yourself and others with compassion as we all muddle through this new chapter together, and trust that your love and wisdom will help your child navigate new challenges. I hope you have found this blog post reassuring, if you would like to know more about how to support your children on their return to school, you might like to read a post I wrote when years R, 1 & 6 returned before the summer holidays which you can find here . Perhaps during the summer you have thought about counselling but maybe not had the time or space for it; September might offer you more of both! I am opening up more availability for counselling via zoom and have a limited number of face to face appointments. If you would like to explore the possibility of the kind of support counselling can offer, please do get in contact. *if you would like to learn more about helping your child through mindfulness, I have many blogs that look at this, and would recommend at this point looking at some easy breathing techniques in this post about helping children manage big emotions.
“I can’t be bothered…”, “I just can’t motivate myself…” – sound familiar? Have you recently looked at your list of things to do and struggled to get started with anything? Have you sat down in front of the television to watch one episode, and three episodes later not yet moved off the sofa? Have you started the day with good intentions, but found yourself unable to start anything? If so, you may be suffering from apathy. Apathy is a lack of compelling emotion to take action. Psychological research has shown that to take meaningful action you need to experience feelings about it. Apathy means you just don’t feel enough in that moment to move forward with purpose. I think if we have a quick look at the causes of apathy* it may become apparent why so many of us are feeling unmotivated at the moment: A major life or global event: when an even happens that we hadn’t anticipated, the distress caused can be so overwhelming it manifests as apathy. We can feel demoralised, pessimistic and maybe even cynical. A boring routine: when we feel like every day is the same, that Groundhog Day experience can wear us down and make us feel as though there is nothing to look forward to. Apathy can make us give up on creating joy or chasing dreams. Being overwhelmed: sometimes rather than the routine being boring, we can feel overwhelmed, this can lead to indifference or a lack of energy as we don’t know where to start or feel like any effort we make will only effect minimal progress or change. Anxiety: this is very often the primary cause of apathy – emotional fatigue, loss of happiness, difficulty enjoying yourself and low serotonin (the happy hormone) are all signs of anxiety that can translate into apathy. Most of us are experiencing at least one of these at the moment, which would explain why I am hearing time and time again how hard it is for people to motivate themselves. So what can we do about it? I think anyone who has experienced apathy will agree that it becomes a bit of a vicious cycle. The less you do, the more there is to do, so the more overwhelmed and anxious you feel which leads to apathy and doing less… and so it goes on (with slight variations!) The first thing is to decide what is the easiest thing you can do to pull yourself out of this? Make a list of what needs to get done, or what isn’t working for you (even the act of making a list will be a slight shift), and then commit to doing one small thing on the list. Think about ways you can vary your routine. Is it trying a new recipe, finding a new walk, starting your morning in a different way? An injection of novelty can give your energy a boost. Goal setting can be helpful as long as it’s realistic and not too overwhelming. If it feels too big, break it down into stages and manageable chunks. The point here is to be forward looking and engaged in something purposeful We’ve all be thrown out of our usual daily life over the past few months, so it may be worth looking back and remembering what brought you joy and made you feel enthusiastic before life changed – is there any way you can bring back activities in some way that made you feel alive and happy? There are also things that we know reduce anxiety that we can all monitor to make sure they are a regular part of our lives, which may also help with apathy: Keep busy – you may not be feeling energised, but keeping busy can distract your mind from anxiety. This is linked to goal setting and looking back to things that you have found meaningful in the past. This also gives us the opportunity to make new, positive memories that may help with apathy and anxiety. Spend time with friends – now that we are able to go for socially distanced meet-ups, try to make sure you see friends in person if you are able and it is safe, otherwise arrange regular phone or zoom calls. Seeing friends is a major mood-booster and when we are anxious or apathetic it can be easy to cancel plans – try to make sure you keep those arrangements even if you’re not feeling like it. Exercise – even though you may not feel like it, exercising can improve your mood, reduce apathy and give you a sense of accomplishment. Professional help – if you are suffering and things feel helpless, there really is no need to do this alone. You can read more about how to find an online counsellor on my blog . Above all, practice self-compassion, understanding and empathy. The task now is to quiet your inner critic and move past the negative messages you may have about yourself. Congratulate yourself for any small steps that you make; be gentle with yourself when things don’t go exactly as you had hoped, and celebrate your decision to move forward with purpose and in a way that feels right for you right now. •please note that apathy can be a sign of some medical conditions, so these should be ruled out first if you are at all concerned.
I love using mandalas with children as they are incredibly soothing to construct - they can help quiet the mind, stimulate creativity and give children space to explore how their choices of colours or materials relate to how they are feeling. Mandala is a Sanskrit word that means “sacred circle”. It’s symbolic of wholeness and unity and they are commonly used in meditation. Mandalas are often used as a therapeutic tool to encourage self-expression and self-reflection. A really easy way to get started with mandalas is simply by colouring. I often print them out from www.mandala-4free.de as there are a huge range to choose from, but an Internet search will bring up lots of free printables. This is a lovely opportunity to sit with your child and both enjoy some mindful colouring. Either sit quietly and enjoy the connection that comes with a shared activity, or use it as an opportunity to gently ask about their choice of colours or why they’ve chosen a certain pattern and how that might connect to how they are feeling. Check in with them after you’ve had some time colouring together - chances are you are both feeling calm - becoming aware of this will help them develop a sense of what they might need to add to their self-soothing toolkit. Here are some more activities using the idea of a mandala as inspiration... images for all of these can be found on my Arts & Crafts Gallery : NATURE MANDALA This is a great activity to start while you are out on a walk or in the garden. Collect bits and pieces that you might think would work to construct a mandala - you might like to talk about colour, shape and symmetry. Collect sticks, grass, dandelions, daisies, acorns, stones… anything that appeals and that’s readily available. When you get home, lay out a large piece of coloured paper (we actually stuck 2 pieces together) and construct in however you like, but trying to stick to the basic form of a circle and symmetrical patterns. The act of deciding on length of sticks, arranging the pattern, making choices and laying it all out with care, makes this a really calming, mindful experience. This is also really accessible for children who may have labelled themselves as “not very creative” as it has a striking effect without pressure as the components of the mandala can be moved about and rearranged as much as your child likes until they are happy with the end result. STAINED GLASS MANDALA This produces an amazing effect hanging in the window, and children get a real sense of achievement with the end result. You will need: Card, tracing paper, felt tip pens, string scissors, a printed mandala pattern, glue or sticky tape These take a bit of adult prep beforehand if your children are still quite young. The first step is to choose a mandala pattern. You then need to trace it onto the tracing paper. Older children might like to do this themselves, but depending on the pattern, you might need to do this for younger or less confident children. Your children (and you!) can then colour in your chosen pattern with felt tip pens. Once completed, cut them out carefully. Cut a frame from card to fit the circle shape of your mandala, and then stick the cut out tracing paper mandala onto it. Finally attach some string and hang in in a window (we used bluetack to make a “hook” on the window) SENSORY MANDALA This is a lovely activity for allowing your child free rein in using all sorts of different materials. The act of handling and selecting will being your child into the present moment and you can use this as an opportunity to talk to them about how the different materials and shapes feel to them, how were they feeling before they started their creation, how did they feel after they had completed it. Focusing on the act of creation is really therapeutic and offers your child the chance to create without pressure - the only aim is that they enjoy the creative process! We used: feathers, marbles, pasta, shells, acorns and buttons I marked out circles on pieces of paper and the boys filled the pattern. Again we talked about the calming aspect of symmetry and the fact that they could trust their instinct in how they wanted to fill their mandalas - there was no “right” or “wrong” - just whatever was meaningful or pleasing to them. I hope you’ve enjoyed the mandala crafts this week! Do let me know if you try any of them, I’d love to know how you get on. If you would like support for yourself or for your family at this time, please do get in touch. I am offering a “parenting power hour” alongside 30 and 50 minute online counselling sessions .
I don’t know if it’s just the current situation, but I keep looking out for evidence of resilience in nature and finding it particularly reassuring when I see signs of spring emerging, and plants thriving in the most adverse of conditions. I do think there is a parallel to be drawn here with our own resilience, and particularly that of our children. That’s my theme this week - how we can boost our children’s resilience and self-esteem, even in these times of uncertainty. As a mum, I’m very aware that my job is to parent from a position of love, empathy and understanding, rather than fear, anxiety and paranoia. My job is not to shield my children from the ups and downs in life, but to equip them with the tools they need to respond to the challenges they will inevitably face. There are strategies that families can employ to help their children to become adequately prepared for these challenges, and ensure that their sense of identity and self-esteem remain intact through the highs and lows. Self-esteem and a positive idea of our own worth develops from babyhood; when a child feels safe, loved and accepted they internalise that view of themselves. Sometimes however, things that happen can have a negative impact on this self esteem - stressful life events, anxiety or sudden change can all contribute to you noticing your child lacking in confidence, putting themselves down or feeling lonely or isolated. With your support as parents however, these natural dips can be levelled out, and you can help them increase their sense of self-esteem and develop more resilience in the face of future difficulty. There are many suggestions that I could make, but given the current situation I would recommend the following as realistic, and a matter of priority if you are concerned about your child, or indeed for anyone wanting to reinforce their child’s positive self-image: • Prioritise special time with your child/ren. This isn’t easy when we are all at home together, but have a think about ways you can spend about 20mins alone with your child doing something special together each day - laughing, talking and connecting. Whether it’s a bedtime story or cuddle, or if there are 2 parents at home, taking one child with you for special 1-1 time when you go out for a walk. • If they criticise themselves or have a negative world view, gently challenge what they are saying - validate the feeling behind what they believe, but offer an alternative view or experience. • If you are cross with them (and this is absolutely bound to happen!), make sure you let them know that you are unhappy with their behaviour rather than criticise them personally… for example “that was really unkind behaviour” as opposed to “you are so unkind” • When you praise them be specific - whether it’s for a personal value or attribute or something they’ve done or achieved • At the end of the day, perhaps when you’re relaxing at bedtime, have a chat about things that have gone well that day. Try to come up with three things together. This can be hard for children who are very negative about themselves, so modelling this and giving examples from your own day can really help this process. Crafts to support developing identity and self-esteen Positivity Spinners You will need: • Card • Something circular to draw around • Pens (and anything else you want to use as decoration) • Scissors • String This is a lovely craft for talking with your child about what makes them special. • Draw around something circular (we found a plate fitted the space perfectly) • Then sketch a spiral in the circle, starting from the middle • You can draw, write or decorate the spiral in any way that is meaningful for you - we started off with the statement: I AM… and then completed the sentence. (My favourite moment was when my 9 year old said “the most important thing is that I am ME”) • When it’s been decorated, cut out the circle, and then carefully cut around the spiral • Finally cut a small hole in the top and attach some string. • These are particularly effective if you can hang them in the breeze and watch them spin! If you can sit with your children and make your own spinner as well, this will be a great opportunity to model recognising your own self-worth (and also remind your children how great you are too) Identity Frames You will need: • A cardboard frame (either pre-made, or you could cut out one either from card, or maybe a cereal box) • Pens, stickers, glitter – anything your children would find fun to decorate their frame with • For inside the frame: paint (if you want to do hand prints), a printed out photo, or ask your child to draw a self portrait These frames are such a lovely keepsake for the whole family. We chose to make handprints, but you could put photos or a self-portrait inside. I asked the boys to choose printed statements that felt right to them to stick on, and then invited them to choose stickers and pictures to decorate the frame in a way that was fun to them; they had a great time choosing their own very individual, personal touches. Some children may need prompting to find positive statements about themselves. It’s worth having some printed out beforehand that they could choose from, particularly if you can let them know that they are phrases that came to mind when you thought of your child, and then ask which ones they agree with or do they have suggestions of their own. Some ideas are: • I am brave • I am resilient • I am enough • I am creative • I am kind • I am loved • I am unique I do hope this has given you some practical suggestions you can use to support your child. If you would like support for yourself or for your family at this time, please do get in touch. I am offering a “parenting power hour” alongside 30 and 50 minute counselling sessions. Further details of all of these are on my website.
My theme for the past week in my social media posts has been kindness and compassion. It’s so important for children to be given the opportunity to intentionally be kind and think about the significance of kindness. As with gratitude, the more we can practice this, the more natural to us it becomes. One of the most fascinating things for me about kindness is that it actually produces a biochemical change in both the person being kind and the person on the receiving end of the kindness. I’m sure we’ve all experienced recently that sense of coming together on a Thursday evening in support of the NHS - when we are moved and inspired, and connect through shared experience and compassion, our oxytocin levels rise. Oxytocin is the “happy hormone” that promotes bonding and lowers cortisol and adrenaline (the hormones associated with the stress response). Kindness makes a difference on so many levels - increased empathy, better relationships, improved self-esteem and higher levels of general life satisfaction. Talking about kindness Words are powerful! The way we talk with our children is super important when to comes to helping them develop secure attachments and a strong sense of self. The language we use around children is absorbed and over time sets up a blueprint for accepted behaviour. So if we want to raise children who speak kindly to others, we need to speak kindly to our children and also to and about other people. When they absorb our kind, gentle, compassionate tone, this becomes a normal way of interacting for them. Of course no one is perfect! We are all likely to lose our temper, say things we don’t mean or become hyper-critical of ourselves or others when we are under pressure. The key to managing these times is to use them as opportunities to reflect afterwards with your child about why you felt that way, what you wish you had said instead, and to model being able to admit you are wrong and take responsibility for your words and actions - it’s important for children to recognise that parents are human too, and that in your house, being able to say you are sorry and own up to mistakes is valued. It also normalises the whole spectrum of emotions, and helps to develop their emotional vocabulary. When children learn to use respectful, polite and compassionate ways of speaking to and about others and themselves, this helps them to develop strong relationships and a positive sense of self. Self compassion This is a tough one for many, many people. Modelling self-compassion is however crucial for your children’s own self esteem and ability to display kindness and empathy for others. So often unkind, less compassionate behaviour is rooted in our own insecurities, so doing our best to ensure our children’s sense of positive self-worth is a huge factor in how compassionately they are able to show up in the world. Children learn from us most by the behaviour we model. If we are kind to ourselves - both in words and deeds - this models a way of being to our children and gives them permission to treat themselves similarly. If however we consistently give voice to our inner critic, have no boundaries in our personal relationships and don’t prioritise our own well-being, we are modelling a way of being to our children that says the same is OK for them. If this feels like a huge ask for you, I would encourage you to look back on your own childhood - how did your parents talk about themselves, how did they model the idea of self-care to you? Consider the message this gave to you and whether you want the same for your children. This is not an invitation to blame your parents or feel resentful, but to consider what feels relevant right now? This doesn’t happen overnight, but is so worth the investment in our children’s resilience, empathy and self-esteem This was brought home to me recently by one of my children. There had been some unkindness from another child at school; he was understandably upset and hurt, but his response was so powerful, he said to me: “I think he can’t be feeling very good about himself at the moment mummy, otherwise he wouldn’t be so unkind”. I love that he was able to see things from the other child’s perspective and not allow it to impact on his own self-esteem. Kindness Crafts Conversations with children about kindness might become increasingly relevant as the novelty of being at home starts to wear off, and the reality of being at home without the usual options for outings and playdates kicks in! Crafts and activities that focus on the importance of kindness are a really nice opportunity to have discussions with your children about the values in your household and what kindness and compassion mean to them. Kindness Jar - whenever I hear or see my children being kind I make a note of it and pop it in their kindness jar. At teatime I look in the jar and ask if they think they’ve done anything to help fill it today, and then I read them out the things I’ve noticed that day and previous days. This is a good time to encourage your child to think about what kindness means to them - can they think of other examples when they have been kind or when someone has been kind to them - how did it make them feel? Kindness Cloud - this is nice for siblings to do for each other, or friends and family members or even themselves... don’t forget that it’s important that we remember to be kind to ourselves as well! My boys made these for each other - we cut out cloud shapes and wrote their names on it, and then added rainbow coloured strips with kind words about each other on them.... if tensions rise over the coming weeks, I’ll suggest they refer back to their clouds to remind them how they can feel about each other!! Kindness Fortune Teller - I remember making these when I was at school, so it was lovely to have fun making them with my children! For the “fortunes” inside we brainstormed what other people have done for us that we think were kind, and what small things the boys could do that would be kind to other people as challenges to write in them, as well as general kindness “mantras”. For example: ⁃ Speak kindly to everyone you meet ⁃ Help make a meal ⁃ Send a message or FaceTime a friend ⁃ Do something to make someone else happy ⁃ Give someone a big hug ⁃ Share a toy These are really helpful as reminders about your family’s values and to encourage your children to think about what kindness feels like to them and how they can make a difference to other people by being kind. You will need: square piece of paper or card, scissors & pens ⁃ Fold the paper diagonally to make a triangle, and then the other way to divide into 4 triangles ⁃ Open up and fold the 4 corners into the centre to make a smaller square ⁃ Turn the paper over so that the loose folds are underneath ⁃ Fold the corners into the centre again ⁃ On this side it should look like 4 flaps each made of 2 triangles - number each triangle from 1-8 ⁃ Turn the paper over - there should be 4 squares - in the middle of each square draw a shape or picture in a different colour ⁃ Turn over the paper again and open up the triangular flaps ⁃ Under each number (on the inside of the flap) write your kindness challenge or mantra. Fold it all back up and you’re ready to play! ⁃ One person has the fortune teller and the other makes the choices ⁃ The fist person chooses a colour and the 2nd person spells out the colour as they move the fortune teller (If you’re not sure how to do this, check out my stories where I’ve videoed my boys doing it!) ⁃ The first person then chooses a number and the second person moves the fortune teller that amount of times ⁃ Finally the first person chooses another number and opens up the flap to reveal the kindness challenge or mantra. Phew… that was long winded!!! If that’s not clear (and I won’t be at all surprised if it’s not) - check out my first ever IGTV video where I demo it which might make more sense!! Hopefully this has helped you to think about ways you and your family can incorporate kindness and compassion into your daily life in an intentional but fun way – do let me know how you get on and whether you have any other craft or activity suggestions. As ever, I welcome any comments or questions either by email or social media. During this period of school closure I am also offering 30 minute webcam sessions, please get in contact if you would like a free consultation and of course do pass this on to anyone who you think might find it useful.
